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I remember when my ex was suicidal for a while and she would beg me not to tell anyone. I didn't and it nearly killed me. However I finally got to talk to her therapist and she told me always tell since it helps the other person.

My Dearest Rebecca,

Thank you for this! Your words give such a powerful image to the issue. From someone who's been there let me just say this, even before the call was made...you did more than most would of ever done. The fact you acknowledged her pain and listened is bigger than anyone could realize.

Unfortunately I never confided in anyone...the embarrassment/humiliation that I was better than this was always front and present. There are moments of silent serenity and musings that I'm still alive.

I never comphrended neighbors who heard windows break, screams, walls being bashed in that never picked up a phone. How much worse did it need to sound, would the ensuing silence have made it better...Those are the unforgiven ones. The ones who didn't even act as if their night wasn't shattered by a violent overthrow...

I know your heart dear one, and you did more than your giving yourself credit for. Thankfully you now know one more step to bring it home...making that call. In the end it is far better to be hated for doing the right thing, than to be loved for silence that screams. (Hugs) Indigo

Risking going against the wishes of someone you love to keep quiet in a situation like this and losing them is a far kinder outcome than to know what they are going through, abiding by their wishes and losing them at the hands of their abuser.

Powerful... and true. You did the right thing... so hard. I am glad that YOUR story ended well.

be well..

I have shared my own story with abuse at the hands of another. Thank you for sharing this story of the other side.

So glad that it was the first police quotes and not he second.

Rebecca, Thank you for sharing your experience. It gives the issues' view from anther perspective. It must have been one of the hardest things, to have to give that choice to someone already so broken.
Hugs, Leigh

this was such a poignant post. i have been there, and so many of my loved ones and friends turned a blind eye. i was crying out, desperate for help on how to get out, but i just didn't know how. i needed that push. i wish i had had a friend like you at the time. i would have gotten out.

sometimes, even though it makes me feel like a horrible person, i am glad that he took the easy way out. (even though, as usual, he made the choice for me,) it still left me no choice but to leave.

It's hard to sit back and watch, it just doesn't feel right does it? *M*

I'm glad for your friend's sake that this ended well. Your post speaks volumes and I appreciate the chance to have read your story. Although my friend left her abuser early and is doing well, my story too, could have been tragic because like you I didn't call the police.

Rebecca you were a good friend to her and that's all you could do. My friend, and next door neighbour, was abused by her husband and I used to be able to hear it going on. All I could do was protect her children each time. It wasnt until she showed me the bruises that I knew the true extent of what was going on. I have never seen such black bruises in my life. It shocked me - I didnt realise things like this happened. I did but I think we kind of block it out. Another friend of mine has just got out of an abusive relationship - we, her friends, did not have a clue it was going on until she left him.
Laine xxx
http://lainey-lainesworld.blogspot.com/

I've often read here, but seldom commented. Today I had to say something.

I don't know you by any means other than what you write here, but this entry spoke volumes about the quality of person you are. Being put into a situation like that is nothing we would ever wish for, but I think you handled it better than most people I can think of. It's horrible to think that someone could be subjected to such mistreatment by someone who they love, and who would claim to love them. People don't always know what's best for them, and it takes a good, strong friend to help them at just the right moment.

I hope you realize what an impact your words have had today. Thank you.

Shalom;
I found you via Ingio.
I am also a surivor of abuse. Thankfully, when I realize this man could kill me, with only the clothes on my and my child's back.
It took years for us to rebuild our lives, but long story short, I am now married to a wonderful who would never raise his hand to me other than to love me.
I too have taken coffee to a friend. I have too told her she needs to get out.
She did.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Perhaps one day, someone will be reminded of your words, and will know that they need to speak up. You did what you thought was right at the time, and you learned what to do if, God forbid, the situation ever occurs again.

Based on Indigo's entry, I wrote my own story. Happily, not a physically abusive situation, but emotional. There are different kinds of hurt.

All my best,
Beth

Oh Rebecca...abuse such as this is what I call "the silent storm" it goes on everywhere and does not stop until the cold hard light of truth hits it square in its ugly face. I had a good friend whose boyfriend was controlling, they married, he got worse, they had a baby, he became even more aggressive trying to control her every move. Every bruise on her she would have an excuse for it, she walked into a door/wall/open cabinet door etc., tripped, fell etc..I offered every help in the world including that she and the baby could live with my family, we would protect her. My hubby wanted to kick the s..t out of this creep from the getgo. I had to hold him back. Nothing I could say or do could convince her to walk away from "her" man (I use the term man loosely) For the sake of my own sanity, the rage my hubby was feeling at this guy...I had to tell her I would not have any more contact with her until she wanted to save herself. They moved away shortly after this, to this day I often think of her, still worry about her and am so dam sad over this episode in my life. I wish I had called the cops. If it were today, I would in a heartbeat..love, Sandi

This was very sobering and you're right it could have ended the worse way just as easily. Abuse like that is so unacceptable and the fear that is put on the victim is overwhelming. Thank you for posting this.

your story left goosebumps. thanks for sharing and getting others to share via their comments. i carry cards around with me with the number to the domestic violence hotline - just in case. [i know what it's like to be on both ends.] thanks again ...

Sometimes our gut instinct is overpowered by the requests of those we love. All any of us can hope for is the guidance of awareness, the ability to act when necessary and the wisdom to know when it is in everyone involved's best interest to just simply restrain from any action at all.

Sometimes our gut instinct is overpowered by the requests of those we love. All any of us can hope for is the guidance of awareness, the ability to act when necessary and the wisdom to know when it is in everyone involved's best interest to just simply restrain from any action at all.

Your cautionary tale is so significant. Thank you for sharing it.

On advice of dear friend Indigo I've come to hear you out. With no fanfare I'll say I do bear scars of the horrors humans can inflict on one another, man, woman, it matters little when you're the one being beaten. But surely your judgment of yourself is made in the vacuum of hindsight which of course is always 20/20. You stayed loyal to your friend, and sometimes that's all we really know how to give - the friendship expected of us, which many times means privacy, silence. Obviously, it was shameful to her and your advice brought that home when she wasn't able to absorb common sense. When is it time to interfere? I believe only when someone else's actions are affecting you. My rights end where yours begin, and your friend's right to ask silence of you was hers to expect. Thankfully, it was more than you could give. I believe you did what you had to in severing your company with her for the time it took, in order not to continue being a party to her abuse. But that's just so hard to know when you're young and hopeful for a friend who just doesn't seem to see what we do more clearly. A spousal abuser has no power, as you suggest they do. In fact no one has power over us until we give it to them. Your friend endured a tragedy you were simply not equipped to deal with, try as you might, because she wasn't ready to end her torment, for whatever reason. You'll never have to look back and say "If only I.." because it seems you did all possible until the only safe thing was keeping yourself protected, since you couldn't protect her. Surely you can be as kind to yourself as you obviously were to your friend? So you'll ask me, when is it our responsibility to intervene? I can only say it's a personal choice, it's not a universal behavior, in my opinion. Perhaps when humans have evolved the better angels of their nature more than their fear, we won't need suicide hotlines or safe houses for beaten spouses. Until then, it's a "one at a time" process and every victim has a reason they allow it to continue. All we can do is stand ready for the time they are too. Thanks for this engrossing story. http://cathy-daretothink.blogspot.com/

I've been there and experienced the same thing, from both sides (victim and friend of victim).
I'm glad your friend made it out alive.

Hi Rebecca,
Just moved..climbing uphill and looking for everybody..
I'm soo glad to find you.
Gem :-)

I was a victim over & over again from childhood into adulthood. I never knew why I was always singled out ~ maybe because people knew I had no one to defend me or support me. It is hard to be alone in the world. Thank God you were there for this person. I wish someone had been there for me. XX

I feel your friends pain...I know that you sure can lose friends when you are in an abusing relationship...it is hard to think or anything cause you are always and emotional wreck..and sometimes the abuse you get from others hurts just as much as the pain you suffer in silence. wishing you a good week..big hugs,TerryAnn

Very powerful. Thank you for having the insight and courage to write this.